Bondage: Fantasy to Reality 101

Beginner Bondage: Fantasy to Reality

Whether you’re in a fresh relationship or you’ve been together for twenty years, asking your partner to introduce new aspects of play in the bedroom can be a daunting conversation.

We know it’s not always as easy as buying them a ball-gag for Christmas, but being open about your desires doesn’t have to be the heavy conversation you imagine.

No one likes to be rejected, and more importantly we don’t want our partners to feel unsafe or to start doubting whether they’re fulfilling us.

So here are five ways to sensitively introduce your kink to your partner, or invite them to join you on a journey of exploration to find the spicier side of your sex life…

Introducing Bondage Slowly

Why not test the waters by watching a ‘kinky bondage’ movie together? It doesn’t necessarily have to be porn, but see how they respond when you tell them that a certain scene turns you on.

If your partner seems receptive to the idea then explain which bit you’d love them to try on you and why.

As a general rule it is best not to compare your sexual experiences with that of other couples.

Too many people make the mistake of opening the conversation with “Well Mike’s wife from work uses a whip on him, why can’t you?”

This only adds unnecessary pressure, each couple will find their own way in the bedroom.

But when you do decide to lay your cards on the table, approach the conversation with a confident tone so that your partner feels that you’re capable of communicating to them exactly what it is that you want.

Be clear about what kind of Bondage you want

Being able to give your partner a clear picture of the specific activities you’d like to engage in, which type of situations you’d like to get kinky in, and the kind of fantasies you’re into will help them to get on your wavelength.

Just asking “can we get kinky” or “can we use bondage” will bring up different preconceived notions of what that involves, some of which your partner might not be comfortable with.

Showing your partner relevant porn or reading them erotic sex scenes can help them imagine how they could fit in to the types of bondage activities you’d like to engage in.

For example, if you want them to be dominant they might need a reference for just how dominant you’d like them to be – role playing is not everyone’s strong suit, but it definitely can be learned.

Know your partner

When asking your partner to open themselves up to new experiences in the bedroom, it’s so important that you understand their views and feelings about sex.

Your partner’s religious views, sexual history, and any trauma they have been through will in most cases form the way they view and choose to engage in sex.

For some people kinky sex is simply not something they’ll enjoy or feel safe doing no matter how much they trust you, respect this.

However if your partner is receptive to the idea and keen to move forward in their sex life, seeing a sex therapist – together or alone –  can massively help to open new avenues of intimacy that they may struggle with.

Be prepared to answer their questions

If your partner is quite ‘vanilla’ and has not considered getting involved in these aspects of sexual play before they’re likely to have lots of questions.

One of the most common questions is: “What do you find sexy about that?” or “Why would you want to do that?”

Instead of being defensive or feeling shameful when questioned over your sexual preferences, spend time ahead of the conversation making sure that you’re prepared to answer these questions in detail.

Before bringing up the idea to your partner you should work to feel grounded in your own desires, and have a level of understanding around why you find the sexual activity in question turns you on.

Offer to explore their Bondage Fantasy

The reality of play is that you might not even know WHAT bondage you want to try. Just that you’re ready to explore with your partner by your side.

If this is the case, communicate that to your partner by asking them if they’d like to join you in exploring the options available… you may be surprised what fantasies they have up their sleeve.

Remind your partner that whatever sexual fantasy, bondage or kink you hope to engage in, the core of all sexual play is a couple’s intention to bring pleasure to each other.